I am certainly an introvert. Left to my own devices, I generally do not seek out companionship or social interactions – although if thrust into a situation where such interactions are required, I perform my duties well enough. Strangely, I despise most forms of communication: I am terrible at making and returning telephone calls and replying to email requires considerable effort and willpower, for example. But I enjoy speaking face-to-face, and the free-flowing interaction of a private chat room or instant messaging service is almost as desirable.
I wonder what this says about my personality. I wonder if it says anything at all, or if I am simply applying obsolete psychological techniques to a harmless dislike for communication.
In terms of who I communicate with, I hold no particular animosity towards anyone based on their gender or race or any other superficial characteristics. Each person deserves a clean slate to begin with, and only after a suitable amount of conversing can I even begin to make judgments about their worth as a human being.
Egotistical, yes, but also sadly true. But I digress.
I have never had a romantic or sexual relationship, but I do not have (nor should I need) a good reason why. The “I have too much to worry about to get involved” excuse is just that, an excuse, and does not pass even in my mind. I suppose the best I can come up with, setting aside my own feelings about romantic love and love in general, is that I simply have no interest in that particular branch of the tree of social interaction.
Which is not to say that I have never desired companionship of some kind. I do confess my occasional jealousy, mixed with a touch of disgust, when seeing a happy couple, each comfortable with the other and able to speak frankly and honestly, possessing an emotional openness that I could never have…
No. Never say never. Perhaps someday I will set aside my armor and share something of myself with a trusted friend, but not now.
The appeal that this idea has is not limited or hindered by gender. It is more about finding someone with whom I can share and foster trust than it is about any sort of physical relationship, and it certainly has nothing to do with society’s notions of the “acceptable partnership” (which, despite the steps forward we’ve taken, is usually still one of similar race, similar socioeconomic status, and opposite gender).
I appreciate the beauty of both genders, and can just as easily picture myself with a woman as I can with a man. Does this make me bisexual? Yes, I suppose so, although it still has nothing to do with sexual attraction – perhaps I am a bisexual asexual, if that makes any sense at all.
